Not fighting? Not working!

I felt really sad this morning. Jean and I spent time together yesterday that felt strained. We were together and did not have a fight. But I felt tension under the surface that I didn’t identify or effectively deal with at the time.

We met in the early evening at a business networking event. Jean arrived late, after the presentation had started. I’d noticed her absence. She’d planned to attend and a mutual friend had asked about her during the social hour. When I spotted her later, after the presentations were underway, she graced me with a gigantic smile.

My first unsettled feelings came as things were winding down, post-presentation, amidst the tail-end networking. She gave me a “high sign” that it was time to leave. I felt irritated, but as I look back, I was not really conscious of that feeling. I guess I felt she was telling me it was time to leave rather than conveying that she wanted to go – and wanted to leave with me at that time. We hadn’t pre-planned anything for afterwards. I saw the networking part of this event as very important to my job search. I needed every minute of it. I got her “let’s go” signal while still wandering around looking for people I should connect with. I saw her body language as saying...“enough already let’s get out of here.” I felt irritated, but not at a conscious level. I didn’t say anything. I might have even misinterpreted her message. But I felt she wasn’t respecting that I might not be “done”. I guess I wanted her to read my mind and know that the networking was really important to me. It sounds dumb, and isn’t logical, but that seems to be what I was feeling.

We left and went out to eat together. During the meal I felt a snippy tone between us. I certainly saw it in her, but looking back on it now, I can see I was expressing hostility. I dismissed her disappointment that we didn’t end up at our first choice restaurant. I teased her about making a wrong turn on the way over. When she probed about whether I’d gotten together with Horace lately, I got defensive and started to shut down.

Here’s the deal. Jean lately has been saying that “nearly all our interactions are negative… every conversation feels like a minefield.” So I’ve been trying to NOT FIGHT. While we indeed did not fight, I can see that my no-fighting strategy didn’t really work. We were not close or intimate. By ignoring (unconsciously) how I was feeling, and soldiering-on and avoiding conflict – I missed a chance to connect with her.

At the end of our time together, I left feeling that Jean had been hostile towards me. I was blaming her for the tension. However, by writing this out and focusing just on my actions and my assumptions, I can see how I really contributed to that not being a nice evening.

Note to self: pay attention to my own icky feelings. Bring them to the surface. Try owning them and sharing them. Maybe that will work better than “not fighting”.

Now it's your turn

This blog is intended to be conversational, like when we're together in person - one-on-one or in a small group. I don't intend this to be "all about me". I'm sharing to get the ball rolling. The next step is for you articulate men to share with each other.

If you're unfamiliar with the protocol...when a posting catches your interest and feel compelled to respond, click at the bottom where it says "comments" (there's an envelope icon). You can post revealing your real identity or a psydonym like I have. So rather than sending me a personal email, I request that you post your comments here to manifest an online conversation.

Thanks!

Lying to get to the truth

Some of you have asked: “Why am I writing this blog?” Why invite my best friends to read my journal? Why post it on a public web page? These questions bend my mind.

The short answer is: I’m blogging for the sake of personal growth and relational growth among “my fellow men”.

When I TALK with you, man friends, I feel growth. Murky things get a bit clearer. My soul strengthens and I feel closer to God. It’s a two-way street…I see YOUR faces light up when we’re together. I want more of this good stuff.

When I hang out with you guys, growth springs from developing intimacy. Funny thing about intimacy – it’s not a man thing – supposedly – but I like it. The key to intimacy seems to be honesty, openness, and real sharing of our emotions. That’s hard to do. I’ve experienced this man-to-man closeness when together in person – camping, out for lunch, our church renewal group. Yet there are only so many times each week we can get together. I resist picking up the phone and talking. And when I’m on the phone with you, I can’t get myself to dive below the surface. Perhaps blogging, can provide more? I don’t know…but here I am trying.

Something I have shared with some of you – I’ve been struggling with depression. I lost my job. Jean and I are at the brink of divorce. She’s moved out. We came within a hair’s breadth of deciding to sell our house. At times I get overwhelmed by sadness or feeling hopeless. I need to feel alive. I need to move forward. This blog project is a way to challenge myself and feel alive. You, my friends, can help.

My other joyful challenge is swimming. Today I competed in a 5K open water swim. It was brilliant! I swam hard and steady for more than an hour across the basin of the lake and back. There was a guy close on my tail through most of the race who I was DETERMINED would not overtake me. The last 30 minutes I looked over my shoulder every few minutes to spot him. The pressure of seeing him on my tail motivated me to keep up my effort and my pace. I finished twenty seconds ahead of him. Yipee!

A worthy challenge is tough and tense. Blogging passes that test because I am DEEPLY scared to be put this stuff out there…and I feel compelled to move ahead anyway. The day I posted the first entries I deeply dreaded your feedback. The feeling of impending doom was so great that I could barely move my arms when I swam that day!

The risks in this blog are real – and not just the ego exposure if my writing sucks. I risk offending and alienating you. I offended my brother David, and got an earful about how he was upset by how I characterized what happened between us as kids. I risk offending Jean, Hope, and Dodie when I write about my relationships with them. While they aren’t the target audience for this blog, they’ll probably read it from time to time. That’s a big reason I’m fictionalizing the names – to protect them, as well as to keep this separate from my work life.

I love a creative challenge – and I see this project that way. I’m intrigued by the challenge to openly express intimate feelings and thoughts, honestly, while avoiding hurting people I care about, using the public Internet. I’m going to try it for a few months, challenging myself to write once or twice each week, and see where it goes.

Lying to get to the truth? I’m lying about the real names of my family and my friends, so I can get at the truth about who I am, and who we are together. I don’t know if fictionalizing the names is necessary, but it seems prudent. As to what I’m writing about, I welcome you to challenge me. Let me know if you don’t see me facing the truth of who I am as a man and who we are as friends. I might be wrong, but I think that by putting our dialog out on the public internet we’ll be able to invite others into a discussion, expanding the circle, and increasing the benefits.

Let me know what you think.