Not fighting? Not working!

I felt really sad this morning. Jean and I spent time together yesterday that felt strained. We were together and did not have a fight. But I felt tension under the surface that I didn’t identify or effectively deal with at the time.

We met in the early evening at a business networking event. Jean arrived late, after the presentation had started. I’d noticed her absence. She’d planned to attend and a mutual friend had asked about her during the social hour. When I spotted her later, after the presentations were underway, she graced me with a gigantic smile.

My first unsettled feelings came as things were winding down, post-presentation, amidst the tail-end networking. She gave me a “high sign” that it was time to leave. I felt irritated, but as I look back, I was not really conscious of that feeling. I guess I felt she was telling me it was time to leave rather than conveying that she wanted to go – and wanted to leave with me at that time. We hadn’t pre-planned anything for afterwards. I saw the networking part of this event as very important to my job search. I needed every minute of it. I got her “let’s go” signal while still wandering around looking for people I should connect with. I saw her body language as saying...“enough already let’s get out of here.” I felt irritated, but not at a conscious level. I didn’t say anything. I might have even misinterpreted her message. But I felt she wasn’t respecting that I might not be “done”. I guess I wanted her to read my mind and know that the networking was really important to me. It sounds dumb, and isn’t logical, but that seems to be what I was feeling.

We left and went out to eat together. During the meal I felt a snippy tone between us. I certainly saw it in her, but looking back on it now, I can see I was expressing hostility. I dismissed her disappointment that we didn’t end up at our first choice restaurant. I teased her about making a wrong turn on the way over. When she probed about whether I’d gotten together with Horace lately, I got defensive and started to shut down.

Here’s the deal. Jean lately has been saying that “nearly all our interactions are negative… every conversation feels like a minefield.” So I’ve been trying to NOT FIGHT. While we indeed did not fight, I can see that my no-fighting strategy didn’t really work. We were not close or intimate. By ignoring (unconsciously) how I was feeling, and soldiering-on and avoiding conflict – I missed a chance to connect with her.

At the end of our time together, I left feeling that Jean had been hostile towards me. I was blaming her for the tension. However, by writing this out and focusing just on my actions and my assumptions, I can see how I really contributed to that not being a nice evening.

Note to self: pay attention to my own icky feelings. Bring them to the surface. Try owning them and sharing them. Maybe that will work better than “not fighting”.